I'm Back, An Explanation.

[SugarChick]

Ever since I got my hands on Frogger I have been an avid gamer...there is something about the enjoyment level while playing, the challenge involved and the satisfaction at a gaming milestone that is unparalleled.

My friends and family, well, I'm not sure they've ever understood how big of a part gaming has played in my life. Through gaming and meeting people it has brought me some of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I have met lifelong friends through gaming, I met my husband from gaming and my interest in creating gaming websites took website design from a hobby to a career.

My Frogger days brought me to Jill of the Jungle, I have a terrible memory but I can still vividly remember that game - doing a search it was 1992, I was 12 years old! After that was Duke Nukem then Delta Force where I spent a long time finally moving into Ravenshield before getting into WoW.

There were dozens of games in between but those are the ones that I can almost piece together a time-line of my life by, that seems sad and pathetic in a way, but it gives me some sort of quiet happiness as well.

You could argue I 'wasted away a lot of my life' to video games - at the same time I am still friends with people I met 10+ years ago gaming, that's more then I can say for some of my real life friends. I think at times I've spent too much time gaming, but I think I've always managed to keep it in check - it's filled in a lot of the blanks and empty time in my life with something that I really enjoy. I've always enjoyed the fact that I could log on at any moment and be able to communicate with so many people at a moments notice.

Even now trying to explain to real life friends/family why/how you would want to log on for a few hours and play just doesn't make sense to them. But to other gamers...I'm normal. In fact with the scaled back time I play I'm probably looked upon as a 'noobie casual gamer'.

I took awhile off, for a few reasons. I had put a lot of time into the game, and have even coined the name 'sugarnazi' at times for the 'smack down' I'd put upon raiders in our guild. Raiding to me was serious - we would spend hours upon hours preparing, learning, wiping and for people to take it as a joke, not be prepared or to be rude about it didn't fly with me. As much of a ***** as I came across deep down all I really wanted was for the group I was leading to succeed. We were the underdogs - no one believed that we'd be able to actually run a successful group. We needed that extra FR, extra pots, whatever edge we could get to match up to people that simply were more skilled in order to get the same results. But my methods worked, through organization, smack-down-ness and having the right people leading, teaching and everyone doing their jobs we succeeded. That was vanilla WoW.

BC came along - I took it pretty casually but got back into raiding and being in a position of leadership. Drama and friendships got twisted - as a leader I separated the two - not giving preferential treatment to friends meant I was being 'fair' in my mind, at the same time those friends viewed it as me being a *****. About half way into SSC everything that accumulated finally came to a head - I spent a long time handling everything well, I was always the one to step up and say 'ok I'll be the bad guy and 'fill in the blank' (kick someone from the guild, give someone a talking to, be the bearer of bad news). That was my role and I played it well. I knew that although I took the 'tough love' method that although people might not agree with my methods they respected me and the results from what that hard work brought.

A series of 'disrespectful' incidents followed, which stuff happens. But then I wasn't backed up by my fellow leaders and I was left high and dry. Although I had stepped into a position and been the 'face' of the decisions' the support that I should have had was gone. Not being respected by the occasional raider...fine. Not being respected by my fellow leaders...hurt. Having names and sexist comments thrown at me by another officer...hurt a bit more. Not being able to turn to my hubby in the midst of it all because he was GM. ouch. I can't blame him though because that same 'keep friends and the game' separate rule I had always applied he was doing as well. So is the nature of the beast. At that point I felt as if the all the hours I spent raiding, all the hours I spent farming and preparing and teaching were worthless. It was not worth the time away from my kids and life in general. I had justified it for years since in the end I felt it was all worth it if at the end of the day I know that all that work payed off and my guildies were happy because of it.

So I 'quit' raiding. I bowed out quietly, leaving a ton of DKP on the board, not disclosing the ugly incidents or marring people's character. My silence may have seemed confusing and hurtful - but in my head I was taking the high road. Quitting raiding though wasn't enough to remove me from playing - I'm a gamer and whether it's raiding or casually playing I wasn't going to have other people's attitudes dictate me playing or not.

Then it happened. We'll leave that as a big question mark. Expecting another baby in a month I was planning on taking a leave of absence from gaming for awhile anyway. But 'it'. When you have one of those life moments that you want to forget you ever even started gaming and want to move to the middle of nowhere because a life moment becomes that devastating....that was enough to make me quit the game. It was life, not the game, why I quit. Again my silence was probably confusing, but in those moments that take your breath away(and not in a good way) worrying about yourself first (not what others will think) is all you can do to keep your sanity.

Fast forward - it's now WotLK, Jan '10 and my baby is now 15 months old. I came back to the game slowly over the past few months. Through it all I have remembered why I am a gamer and how although I may have moments in life that have removed me from it, willing or not, that it will always be in my blood.

It is an undeniable, inexplicable part of my life that over the years has shaped who I've become. From a clueless kid tinkering around with some game because I had nothing better to do, to a mom with 2 kids of her own and whos own kid is now playing WoW, it's all come full circle.

As with everything in my life, I wouldn't take it back. I think I could have done many things differently but if I had, then I may not have ended up where I am now or who I am today. I'm taking it one day at a time, playing when I can and keeping that family/gaming balance in check as much as possible.

Throughout my gaming days I've dropped off the face of the earth a few times - when life issues call gaming is one of the first things to go. In the scheme of things it's not that important. When life settles back down, gaming is something I really enjoy doing and that gives me that much needed 'me' time. So I can't guarantee life won't have me disappear again for a bit - but I'll always be around in one way or another. I've had the same 'game name' of SugarChick since I was 17 (I'm now 29). I have nothing to hide, my blank spots in gaming are due to life, not a lack of passion for gaming.

So if you ever bump into me in game be sure to say hi. I don't bite. I hope your gaming experiences are good ones and you too can look back now, or in the future and reflect upon it all and in the end say 'It was all worth it.'